There’s no doubt that 2020 has been a tough year for many people. And, at the same time, the struggles that we’ve experienced provide a potent field for transformation. Research suggests that one of the most commonly identified triggers for personal growth and spiritual awakening is difficult life experiences like trauma, illness, and encounters with death. COVID-19 is forcing us to collectively encounter death. We are coming face-to-face with the reality of our own inevitable death, the death of those we love, and perhaps even the death of our entire species.
This encounter with death, combined with physical distancing and more “alone time” than many of us are used to, is bringing some of our deepest issues to light. I’m noticing three main areas where these issues are arising: in people’s careers, relationships, and systems that uphold racism / white supremacy. We are all aware of the anti-racism protests and calls for change that have been going on for years, and that were recently refueled by the death of George Floyd. You might also be aware of friends and family who are going through big career and/or relationship shifts, either as a direct result of pandemic-related job loss, or as a result of finally coming to terms with the fact that certain jobs or relationship patterns are no longer sustainable.
With regard to careers, many have lost their jobs, or been forced to sell their companies. For others, the COVID-based encounter with death has made them aware of the fact that they don’t want to spend the rest of their precious life working at a job that doesn’t light them up inside. Many people are asking themselves, what do I really want to do? How can I use my talents to contribute to the world? And even though losing or leaving a job can be difficult, these “in-between times” hold great opportunity. As I described in my TEDxUNYP talk on Stop Trying So Hard, these times give us the chance to explore what we truly value and how we want to feel every day. When we take the time to deeply contemplate these questions, we can start to get some clarity about what type of professional life might be best suited for us.
In terms of my own career, I recently turned down a job opportunity that would have brought me some prestige and looked great on my CV. It would have also been an opportunity to use my talents to serve a group of people who would have benefited from my help. And pre-COVID, I probably would have accepted the opportunity. But COVID is helping me realize that now, more than ever, I cannot accept professional opportunities that don’t feel in alignment for me. Instead, I accepted a different opportunity that is not as prestigious in terms of job title, but that is more closely aligned with what lights me up. (I’ll be sharing more about this opportunity later this summer, so stay tuned!). I’ve also started to cut back on some of my consulting work, because I’m craving more openness and space in my schedule. This is risky in terms of loss of income, but it feels worth it.
When it comes to relationships, I’m noticing many people bumping up against old relational patterns that were brought to light due to self-isolating with one’s partner. Some of my friends and family are starting couple’s counseling, separating, and even divorcing. Again, our collective encounter with death is encouraging us to ask questions like, what needs to change in my relationship? Am I being fully seen and accepted as who I am? What outdated assumptions are my partner and I operating on?
Personally, I have long held the opinion that there are several myths of the modern monogamous marriage that are no longer serving some couples (you can read more about this in my blog on The Truth About Marriage). Of course, there are some couples for whom the modern monogamous marriage works. At the other extreme, some couples go in the direction of polyamory, with one or both partners having outside relationships in addition to their “core” relationship with their partner. And for other couples, the truth seems to be somewhere in between, where polyamory doesn’t feel quite right, but neither does strict monogamy (for more on this topic, check out this TED talk on being monogam-ish).
Regardless of the direction that the couple chooses to take, COVID is showing many people that something in their relationship needs to shift. And often this shift means being more honest with each other. And when I say honesty, I mean radical honesty. I mean sharing some (or all) of your deepest truths, longings, desires, issues, and fears with your partner. For me personally, a clue that helps me know that I’m engaging in radical honesty with my husband is that the truth that I’m sharing makes me feel like I’m going to throw up while sharing it. It is SO difficult to share these types of truths. It causes immense discomfort, arguments, difficulties…and, ultimately, growth. If a couple can manage to stand in the fire of these truths, to be in the unknown together, and even be willing to be consumed by the fire, immense growth can result.
In the third area, racism, many of us know deep in our bones that the thick twisted root that underlies racism is a poison that needs to be annihilated once and for all in order for humans to embody true love on this planet. When I say “embody true love,” I’m not describing an idealist utopia where humans never argue or have difficulties. I’m describing a world where we approach each other from the deepest source of love - even in the face of disagreement. This deepest source of love does not care about the color of our skin, our religious affiliation, or the country where we were born. It cares about our shared humanity and an underlying love that unites us with each other and with all other species in a deeply interconnected ecosystem that is the body of planet earth. And as many have shared lately, all lives won’t matter until BIPOC lives matter. (BIPOC = those who identify as Black, Indigenous or people of color). Similarly, all lives won’t matter until the earth’s life matters. We need to wake up to this.
This pandemic has made me more aware than ever of an overarching pattern that I have in my life, which is an impulse toward personal evolution and growth. In the same way that an artist creates a painting, my life is my canvas. This is the reason why I left my small town to attend university. It’s the reason I have such a passion for the pursuit of knowledge through scientific research. It’s the reason I’m interested in cutting-edge methods and topics that many would consider to be on the “fringe” of mainstream science. It’s the reason I have reinvented my career several times. It’s the reason I have lived in multiple different countries. It’s the reason I’ve committed to doing my own personal anti-racism work. It’s the reason I refuse to adhere to some of the myths of the modern monogamous marriage. I am constantly pushing the boundaries of what society tells me is acceptable.
I believe this pandemic is asking all of us to wake up and to push against the old systems that are constraining us from being who we really are, which is love in embodied form. I know this sounds abstract, but love is who you really are. You are a soul - a form of love - wearing a temporary human “skin-suit.” In order to fully embody true love, we are being asked to loosen old boundaries and to take a good hard look at ourselves, our careers, our relationships, and the flawed systems that hold many of our old conventions in place - including the systemic oppression of BIPOC. The old guard needs to fall. Deep changes need to be made within both our personal and collective lives.
I can say from personal experience that the radical honesty that’s needed to do this work is fucking hard. But we need to get honest with ourselves about our careers, our relationships, and the many ways in which we contribute to dysfunctional systems that harm humans, animals, and our planet. This is not easy work. But if we want to survive as a species, we need to rise to the occasion.
Put simply, we need to evolve. And while the title of this blog asks if you are ready, the truth is that we will never feel ready. We just have to jump in and do it. We need to adjust our careers and relationships. We need to show up for anti-racism work even if it makes us uncomfortable. We need to push against the boundaries and systems that hold us hostage in myths that no longer function for the greater good.
Do you feel ready? Maybe not. But you must begin.
***
Here are a few resources that I’ve found helpful when it comes to careers, relationships, and anti-racism:
Career
This Time I Dance: Creating The Work You Love by Tama Kieves
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
Designing Your Life: How To Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans
Relationship
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Shakti Malan’s work on sacred sexuality
Monogam-ish: The New Rules of Marriage by Jessica O’Reilly
For those in the Czech Republic/Europe, Komala Amorim and Gregor Steinmaurer offer many useful workshops and resources.
Anti-Racism
Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor by Layla Saad
See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love by Valarie Kaur
Anti-Racism Daily Newsletter